Crônica: Mais uma noite em que não dormi, na noite em que ninguém dormiu.

  • 6 de setembro de 2017
  • Matheus Lotti
  • Blog
  • 630
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O transtorno de ansiedade se caracteriza pela preocupação desproporcional de pessoas que antecipam problemas que não acontecem, tem pensamentos obsessivos, cansaço, formigamentos, sufoco e claro, medos. Quem tem isso, acaba por ter crises de pânico. Andam juntos.
Eu tinha por volta de 15 anos. Deitei na cama e minha cabeça estava a milhão. Muitas preocupações, uma sensação de adrenalina ruim. Fechava meus olhos e quando parecia que eu ia dormir, acabava acordando, como se tivesse levado um susto. Eu não sabia o que era aquilo. Antes da vida adulta, tomei meu primeiro remédio forte. 5 anos atrás. Mesmo ano em que vencemos a Copa do Brasil de 2012.
2015. Ano de reformulação do Palmeiras. Eu tinha 18 anos, formado no Ensino Médio e com vários corres para fazer. No ano anterior eu havia começado a trabalhar com produção cultural. Fiz minhas primeiras apresentações e declamações de poemas. Muita correria e ainda tendo de me preocupar com vestibular, descobrindo o que eu queria cursar. Enquanto isso, o Palmeiras tentava se encaixar. Perdemos o Paulista. Ainda não havia chegado a hora de sairmos da fila do Brasileirão. Restou a Copa do Brasil. Uma campanha difícil, emoção a cada jogo. Em quase todos os jogos, cheguei do trabalho no meio da partida. Até que chegaram as semi finais.
Jogo de ida. Eu no hospital. Era muito mais que a ansiedade de ver meu time campeão. Era a ansiedade que mexia comigo, que mudava a rotina, que muitas vezes não me fazia ter vontade de sair de casa. Ela e o pânico. Muito mais que o pânico de não vencer a Copa do Brasil. Aquilo que me deixava acordado. Em dias assim, é difícil pegar no sono. A madrugada serve para orar, pensar, refletir. Até que você é vencido pelo cansaço.
Mais uma vez, eu, tendo de me controlar. Mas eu não poderia deixar meu time na mão. Mesmo que eu não entrasse em campo. Mesmo que eu não chutasse pro gol ou defendesse. Mas de alguma forma o Palmeiras precisou de mim e dos milhões de torcedores por esse mundão.
Mas vamos para aquele dia. O dia após todas as provocações, após o desdém da grande mídia. O grande dia.
2 de Dezembro de 2015, 6 da manhã:
”Despertar, levantar, banhar
se alimentar
melhor nem mastigar
o busão não vai esperar
bebe o café pra empurrar
golada em golada
sem parar
tão automático
dia após dia
sobrevivendo em um sistema que escraviza…” (Trecho de um poema de minha autoria)
Haviam alguns corres para serem feitos. No ônibus eu pensava ”Palmeiras, Palmeiras…vamos ser campeões, Palmeiras, tem aquele negócio pra resolv…Palmeiras, Palmeiras”
No trabalho eu pensava ”Palmeiras, Palmeiras, bora Dudu, bora Prass, Palmeiras, tenho que ligar para aquele cara e perg…Palmeiras, Palmeiras, vamo pra cima deles”
Não havia como não pensar na final. Aliás, não se falava nada além dela. Fui almoçar ali perto do trabalho. Comida italiana como sempre. No que eu entrei…
– É hoje hein, dale porco!!
Sentei a mesa. Fettucine ao molho. TV ligada num desses programas esportivos do almoço. Só asneira, falta de respeito. O Santos já era o campeão, segundo eles. Aquilo me irritava. Aqueles que dias antecederam a final, foram dias em que eu tentava não me irritar, pra não ficar pior. Mas nada colaborava. Queria me esconder pra não ouvir ou ler algo que fosse me fazer mais ansioso ainda.
Terminei meu prato. Peguei o dinheiro e fui até o caixa.
– Aopaa Lotti, é hoje bello, é hoje que nostro palestra vai ser campeão!!
Sai do restaurante, voltei para o trampo. Bem, eu trabalho na mesma sala que um são paulino e duas corintianas. Imaginem só o que eu ouvi, a tarde toda.
17:30. Fim de expediente. Faltavam 4 horas para a final. Tomei o ônibus com o meu motorista favorito, aquele que forra o banco com uma toalha do Palmeiras. Transporte lotado. Encostei do lado do volante, esperando esvaziar. O que o seu Arnaldo esbravejava, não ta escrito. Raiva do nosso adversário. Fiquei com medo dele tombar aquele veiculo numa curva.
Quando enfim cheguei em casa, minha rua já tinha virado um pedaço dos entornos do Palestra. Churrasqueira acesa, carro com o hino do Palmeiras estralando, cerveja, cerveja…muita cerveja. Isso acontece quando você mora na rua de um bar, e numa localização em que a maioria é Palmeirense. O role já tava feito. Tomei um banho, me arrumei, coloquei o remédio no bolso e parti para a festa.
Eu sabia que aquela seria mais uma noite em claro. Estava muito nervoso, nem ao menos conseguia me sentar. Muito menos parar de falar. Eu parecia uma metralhadora. Todo mundo estava daquele jeito. Eu nunca tinha visto minha rua daquele jeito. Todos falando a mesma língua, todos falavam Palmeiras. Todos ansiosos, eufóricos. Todos estavam como eu.
Não vi muito do jogo. Não do primeiro tempo. A bola rolou. Sobrou para nós, de Barrios para Gabriel Jesus, ele cara a cara não deu em gol. Eu não aguentei. Desmanchei. Meus olhos lacrimejaram. Apesar do título da Copa do Brasil de 2012, eram anos e anos ruins. Zuações, desilusões. Um peso enorme. Não vi mais nada da primeira etapa. Sentado em uma cadeira, estático. Meus olhos viam a tela da tv, mas eu não via nada. Só queria ver aquela bola estufando as redes santistas.
Permaneci daquela forma, até mesmo quando o juiz apitou o fim do primeiro tempo. Nem me toquei que tinha de tomar o remédio as 23h. ”Acordei” quando a peleja recomeçou. Eram por volta de 9 ou 10 minutos do segundo tempo. Lembrei que tinha comprimidos a serem ingeridos.
– Licença…licença…opa, eai, licença…E ai carlão, pega um copinho de agua ae, preciso tomar meu remédio.
– Ta na mão…
Comprimido na boca, água, olhos na tela. De Robinho para Barrios, de volta para Robinho, na cara do gol, bola rolada para Dudu, guerreiro. Bola para o gol. Do balcão do bar para o meio da galera. Eu voei. Meus pés saíram do chão, e quando voltaram, o mesmo chão tremia.
Acabado o êxtase. Faltava ainda 1 gol, 1 bola lá dentro. Qualquer um que fizesse seria herói. E o destino é maravilhoso. Tinha que ser dele, novamente. Dudu. Numa bola cruzada. Numa bola para homens altos. Tudo aconteceu para que o baixinho marcasse. Ele empurrou aquela bola para dentro. Nós empurramos aquela bola. Naquele abraço com a torcida, mesmo que longe, eu me senti naquele abraço.
Eu só queria o fim daquilo. Queria enfim gritar ”é campeão”. Espere Matheus, espere. Não é assim não. O gol do Santos, esse gol, foi capaz de causar o silencio mais horripilante de todos. Eu conseguia ouvir os carros passando na avenida bons metros dali. Se ouvia os cachorros mais distantes, latirem. E, lá no fundo, fogos. Fogos do adversário.
Se encaminhou assim até o fim. Não estava decepcionado, porém frustrado. Pênaltis? Meu Senhor…Prass vai bater? Só se ouvia as interrogações preocupadas, gente incrédula.
Mas vamos lá. Da primeira cobrança deles, o alívio. Bola por cima. Da primeira nossa, o presságio da festa. Prass, eu, todo mundo defendeu aquela segunda bola do Santos. Rafael Marques, infelizmente pôs a preocupação em nós. Dali em diante, gol deles, gol nosso, gol deles, gol nosso. Ricardo Oliveira na bola, aquele bem soube irritar a todos nós. Foi dele a última cobrança adversária. Talvez se Prass tivesse os pés um pouco maiores, ele pegaria aquela, colocaria fim. Mas não era para ser assim. A história ficaria incompleta. Prass…são Prass, aquele que aceitou o desafio de defender nossa meta, numa era em que ninguém queria ouvir o nome PALMEIRAS. Era ele quem tinha de definir tudo. Não com as mãos, mas com os pés.
”Se o Prass fizer, o Palmeiras é campeão. Se o Prass fizer, o Palmeiras é campeão…” poucos metros da bola até as redes. Muitos kilometros dali onde eu estava. O silêncio. O grito preso na garganta, querendo se libertar. Prass, abençoado, foi para a bola, se utilizou de toda a força que lhe ainda restava naquela…”PALMEIRAS, CAMPEÃO…GOOOOOOLLLL!!”
Foi quando meus olhos inundaram. Eu ali, de pé, olhando fixamente para a Tv. Levei o banho de cerveja mais gostoso de todos. Me abraçaram e eu nem vi quem foi. Só abracei. Vi gente chorando. Tinha um cara em cima do telhado do sobrado, balançando uma bandeira enorme. Abracei uma amiga, caímos sentados ao chão. Podíamos ouvir o Palestra inteiro em festa, e eles nos ouviam. O mundo nos ouvia.
Naquela noite, mais uma noite em que eu não dormiria. Ninguém dormiu.

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